...picking up old habits...

I am not sure what has taken me over 6 years to pick up this habit...perhaps I have picked up others and let it fall by the wayside. There is something alarming when you stop journaling your existence- it keeps existing. I used to ponder why I would want to write down what I was thinking/feeling. Wasn't that just evidence for the prosecution down the road? That or the tell-all book any one of my offspring will pen about their childhood with an unhinged mother. Blame it on the perimenopause or the ongoing menopause and the lack of being able to thread together any coherent thought, I'm picking this up again.

Life did keep existing, moved to another zip code and discovered new things. No one is too old to learn new things about themselves or what this vast world has to offer if you just slow down a beat. While my old existence was children under foot, my new one has a few less children here to render the tallow but all the same fears and concerns. Funny how quickly a mother goes from changing a diaper to nearly changing their own in a moving car with one of their children driving. This whole thing started nearly 22 years ago now. I wouldn't say I've perfected anything but I hopefully have become better at adapting or at least looking like I have. The phrase "fake it till you make it"? Yeah, that is my silent mantra.

And in existing, people grew, in size and in life. A few of the kids have graduated, grown mustaches and they are trying to figure out where they fit in the world. For some it is money and for others just being happy in where and who they are...everyone has a process. I remember being their age and possibly taking risks that I was not so certain about, but that makes us who we are.  It is a slippery slope being a parent for me...I don't want to be living their life but I also do not want to stifle them from what lies ahead, the good or the bad. YOYO- you're only young once, why did that phrase never take off? Perhaps it doesn't roll off the tongue with rage like the other saying.

The other offspring are still existing- growing and learning who they are and where they might want to go. Atticus is excited not to bump into me during the school day this next year. I am equally excited not to hear him called to the office while at work. He is playing football and soccer and hopefully we can keep him out of a juvenile detention center by doing so. Nora is interested in being a journalist. That word has perhaps a different meaning than it did for me 32 years ago. I pray that she keeps her gumption and frames her love of writing into what ever meaning she wants. She is heading out on an adventure of her own soon. She has this way about her that seems like she doesn't "sweat" anything. I overheard her the other day taking to someone else about how she has some butterflies about this adventure. I'm not sure why she didn't share that with me, but I'm glad for her. Apprehension keeps you on your toes and it is a rush much safer than taking drugs I only have to assume. She is and forever will be my ball-buster-beauty and I hope one day she will understand what I mean by that...for now I am just her "embarrassingly loud mom".

I am thrilled to be hired back on as a teacher's aide again this year. I wasn't sure if I was cut out for it when I started last year, but quickly began to love the experience and the teachers at the school. At a time when my own kids do not really want me annoying them, I get 200 plus new kids to get to know and watch grow. I was surprised on the last day of school in the spring how emotional I got saying goodbye to some of them.  I told them not to be a stranger and made sure to tell them I would tell all the most embarrassing stories about them when they became famous one day. I am excited to meet new faces and personalities  in the next month. I had one student last fall tell me, "I like you, you're like a mom...". I said, "Well, thank you. I actually am a mom, don't tell anyone". Some jobs never end, they just look different while existing.