...upward turn, downward dog- at this point what ever the hell works.

So, are you as tired as I am hearing people going off on weather rants? At this point I'm annoying myself with my frustration of Mother Nature's wrath. It is cold. It is treacherous at times. It is depressing, like seriously depressing. I catch myself going down the rabbit hole, bitching and moaning about the weather like I'm going through the seven stages of grief. Clinically I would say I am somewhere between desperately wanting to leave depression/anger and hopefully moving into the upward turn soon. It is time to set my sights on what is to come, where to go next while peppering lewd hand gestures to the mother of nature.

Here is the thing about me, that has become blatantly obvious lately, I need schedules. I need the structure of a schedule or I quickly start either wanting to drink at 11 a.m. or find myself hiding in the bathroom not knowing what to do next. I joke with the kids that I will be happy in a nursing home one day as I know exactly when I'm eating lunch and when I'll be pooping days ahead of time. So, as today we are on our 18th snow day, I'm running on less than fumes. A coupe of fun days here and there aren't hard to figure out. But after the 15th day, you don't even pour the cereal, you just put it out and hope everyone knows what to do and won't choke. I miss the structure of my day beginning at 5:30 a.m. and ending at 9 p.m. I quickly mentally refer back to the seven stages of grief, knowing if my hair were long enough, I would be under a table chewing on it at any given moment.

I feel bad for saying this, but I miss being ALONE at times, just behind wanting the house to be clean for more than 27 minutes. Last spring I started something new, weight lifting. I was terrified that I would look stupid or not keep it up, or look weak in front of my husband. As a former athlete he was very versed in all aspects, knowing what reps/weights to do for the most gains. Ultimately, I wanted to be beach ready by the time our vacation rolled around. I found my way around my fear and really enjoyed it. I liked seeing how some hard work was paying off, complaining did not get any results. Getting up and out even when I didn't feel like it, was worth it. Yes, I could do most of this at home, but there is more focus that comes with getting out of your normal surroundings.You aren't worried about cleaning/laundry/walking dogs/laundry, etc. This winter more than halted progress, thus my anger/depression level. But today, on the umpteenth day of cold, a new weather advisory starting a few hours ago, I have to remember the upward turn...and not lose sight of it.

Tomorrow, my smallest Small turns 7...it seems a little surreal. All the normal "hoopla" that comes with a birthday week mixed with the weather and the anxiety it has given me, has made me wish I could give the kid a do-over. I found myself extremely emotional on Saturday, like next level emotional, fighting back tears or losing the fight and not really knowing why. It dawned on me yesterday, part of it may be seeing time fly before my eyes. Every year you picture yourself where you will be, but I think with my smallest Small, I have forever seen him as a 5 year old. The kid who let me clear my conscience during late night feedings or my sidekick for lunch while out running errands-however, I do enjoy no longer going to McDonalds once a week. I am daily amused by what comes out of his mouth, his comedic timing and his insights on life. He helped me decorate his birthday cake, which he researched and had specific flavor needs. As we were decorating he said, "Wow, I've really grown up, I've never done this before!" It seriously made me see the upward turn that I so greatly needed.

I hope for his sake, well and of course mine, we do not have our 19th snow day tomorrow, so he can get to celebrate with his friends. And for that matter we all need to get the devil out of this house. I'm not jinxing it with any further thoughts...upward turn, downward dog- at this point what ever the hell works.